Ten minutes after my divorce was final, I decided that I’d waited long enough to go looking for the woman of my dreams. Or, at least the next woman of my dreams. The first one was the sausage jockey I left in 1973 after I came home early and caught her playing “Twister” in the buff with the UPS driver.
I heard from my friends that dating in the 21st Century might be a tad different than I remember it. Guys don’t cruise the boulevard looking for chicks at the malt shop anymore and it’s not cool to leave large hickies on their necks. So, I decided to do some research before I got busy.
The Internet has made dating infinitely easier than it used to be. Thanks to my Comcast account, there’s no longer any need to shower and stumble up to my date’s front door with sweaty palms. I can cut right to the chase from the comfort of my Lazy Boy while eating Doritos in my underwear. Through the wonders of online dating, I can pretend to be anyone I want to be – just like all of the divorced Betties spending their Friday nights glued to the computer screen. There are thousands of helpful articles to help you navigate the world of cyber-necking. Online dating is safer and easier than traditional dating because you never have to worry about actually coming into physical contact with people. By the time they’ve figured out who you really are, they’ve probably already taken out a temporary restraining order against you, blacklisted your email address and changed their telephone number.
Before you start dating, you need to learn some important terms. These are expressions that never existed the last time I was single. If you’re a woman, you’ll probably run across the term, “Boy Toy.” Boy Toys are younger dates for older women who are used exclusively for sexual gratification and enjoyment. I might have been someone’s Boy Toy years ago but I didn’t know it at the time. Boy Toys are frequently targeted by “Cougars.” A Cougar is a woman in her 40s, 50s or 60s who stalks younger men in their 20s. I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m told they really do exist.
“MILFs” are “mothers I’d like to @#$%.” The term was popularized in the film, “American Pie” and fills thousands of sites on the Internet. If you don’t believe me, just have your pubescent son Google “older women” for his next sociology report. Other important terms are “Jailbait,” “Lolita,” “Sugar Daddy,” “Sugar Momma,” “Chihuahua” and “May-December romance.” You can even combine them. For instance, last week I thought I had a date with a MILF, but she turned out to be a Cougar Sugar Momma who was after a Boy Toy for a May-December romance.
If you’ve found that you just can’t meet anyone your age and would like to explore older or younger partners, you can use the handy “half-your-age-plus-7” rule. It’s a simple mathematical equation that’s designed to help you judge the social acceptance of intimate relationships between two, age-disparate, consulting adults. The equation states:
Age of Younger Individual > (Age of the older individual/2) + 7
If numbers aren’t your thing, you can use the handy half-your-age-plus-7graph to determine who’s within your age range. According to the graph, I should be compatible with any woman between 35 and 120. That means I can look forward to dating either a woman racing through her sexual prime or one who’s cleared the hurdles of menopause over 70 years ago.
I also learned some valuable terms when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Men don’t refer to woman as “dolls” or “babes” anymore. Today, they’re either an “Aunt Jemima,” “Aviation Blonde,” “Bad Kitty,” “Becky”, “Betty,” “Bimbo,” “Bimho,” “Buffy,” “Chank,” “Chicken Head,” “Dime,” “Grizzly Chicken,” “Hockey Whore,” “Hoochie Mamma,” “Hose Beast,” “Jumpoff,” “Pebbles,” “Puck Bunny,” “Skank,” “Space Queen” or a “Yummy Mummy.” A man could be a “Baldwin,” “Mack Daddy,” “Mimbo,” “Scrub,” “Spider” or a “Thoroughbred.”
If you feel your biological clock racing, you may want to accelerate things by trying speed dating. This technique was invented by Rabbi Yaacov Deyo as a way for Jewish singles to meet people and was popularized in the hit television show, “Sex and the City.” At most speed dating functions, women are seated at a table and the men rotate between the stations until they’ve met each woman. Each “date” lasts only 7-minutes, so there’s not a lot of room for small talk. After each 7-minute date, both participants jot down on a card whether or not they’d be interested in meeting one another again. The results are tallied by the event organizer and after he’s finished hitting on all of the attractive women, he’ll forward the results to the participants who’ve indicated that they’d be up for stomaching another 7-minute date. Maybe even longer.
Speed dating is the equivalent of getting to know someone, using a Tivo – you can fast forward through a dozen men or women in a single evening. Of course its main limitation is it doesn’t allow you to experience the most thrilling parts of traditional dating: fear, rejection and resentment. It’s popular with singles between 30 and 45 because most of them haven’t as yet felt the exhilaration of losing their homes, Corvette, mobile home, ski cabin, bank account and business to their ex as she rides away on the back of a Harley with her new mimbo. One enterprising manager of a retirement home tried organizing a speed dating event for seniors, but by the time they shuffled between tables dragging their oxygen tanks, they only met two people in an hour. Personally, I’ve only speed dated once. While sprinting between tables, I pulled a hamstring and had to be carted away by paramedics. By the time my physical therapist released me for action, I’d lost the urge to continue dating.
Another great way to meet someone is by forming a relationship at work. Marriage experts estimate that more than 70% of men and women who meet at work are still married after 10 years. One of the advantages of being introduced at work is that you can get to know the real person under the most difficult circumstances before you make any commitments. If you still find your partner attractive after watching them pummel the jammed photocopier or stealing office supplies, chances are you’ll be able to put up with the rest of their antics after you’re married.
Many “sunset singles” who have finally met the man or women of their dreams, decide to forgo getting married in favor of “living apart together,” or LAT. LAT relationships let two people date and consider themselves a couple, while maintaining separate residences. It’s a win-win situation for both – he can keep all of his old pornographic VHS tapes and she can continue sliding into bed, slathered in cold cream.
Once you’ve finally met someone you want to grow old with, you’re still not home free. You’ll have to meet all of their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, brothers, sisters, cousins, their housekeeper, personal assistant, therapist, live-in maid, gastroenterologist, cardiologist, anesthesiologist, dermatologist, gerontologist, hematologist, hepatologist, immunologist, neurologist, ophthalmologist, oral surgeon, pathologist, podiatrist, psychiatrist, pulmonologist, radiologist, rheumatologist, serologist, toxicologist and urologist. Then, you’ll have to learn about all of their special needs and the dozens of medications they take on a daily basis.
At this point, I can see that dating again isn’t going to be nearly as much fun as the first time around. I might be better off staying single and continuing to lie about myself on Match.com.