It’s that time again. The time when television network executives decide which series will make their fall line-up and those that won’t. Here’s a brief list of what you won’t be seeing on the major television networks this year:
CSI: Proctologist – CSI: Proctologist follows Dr. Sam Sloan, accompanied by hard drinking, divorced New York City Detective, Mitchell Perez through a typical work day. The opening scene shows Dr. Sloan and Detective Perez standing over a bullet-ridden body with a 12-inch Bowie knife protruding from it’s back:
Detective Perez: “So, Doc. What do you think was the cause of death?”
Dr. Sloan: “It’s hard to tell, Mitch. I’ll have to wait until I get the body back to the lab, where I can perform a Fleets enema and a sigmoidoscopy on him. Off hand, I’m thinkin’ it was polyps in his colon or extreme loss of blood due to rectal fissures.”
This Old Souse – After losing his major lawsuit with PBS, filing bankruptcy, divorce and hocking all of his tools to pay his alimony payments, alcoholic and drug abusing Bob Villa somehow manages to stagger around his dilapidated workshop in his stained sweatpants, showing viewers how to perform common home repairs like patching over bullet holes from the party last night, getting difficult blood stains out of carpets and replacing a front door that was run down by a Harley Davidson.
America Ain’t Got Talent – Aimed at spotlighting the little guy, the judges of America Ain’t Got Talent, Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel scoop up the leftovers from the past three years, looking for the absolute worst acts on stage. The winning performer (which is actually the losing performer) will get an opportunity to tour nursing homes and Veterans Administration Hospitals in southeast Florida.
Law and Order: Special Janitorial Unit – The most recent in a string of successful Law and Order programs created by Dick Wolfe, Law and Order SJU keeps viewers riveted to the edge of their seats as they follow janitors emptying trash cans, mopping up puke from holding cells, washing the detective’s coffee cups and replacing the toilet paper in the women’s restroom.
NCIS: Guthrie, Oklahoma – the Naval Criminal Investigation Service is challenged in a series of investigations that occur thousands of miles away from the nearest body of salt water or Naval facility. In the opening episode, the team is dispatched to Okie Ink, where sailors on leave are attempting to finagle free tattoos from owners Frankie Heller, Fenecia Doolin and Becky Burton. The sailors tell the owners that they were just trying to get the free artwork advertised in the Guthrie News Leader. After their arrests, the sailors were bussed back to Treasure Island, California where they were given dishonorable discharges and a gift book of temporary tattoos.
Lost Springs Medical – Lost Springs Medical follows three newly graduated medical students as they meander their way through their first year of residency in Wyoming’s smallest town (population: 10). Students take turns barking orders at each other as they pretend to be the Chief Medical Examiner, Chief of Surgery and Chief of Emergency Services performing unnecessary medical procedures on unsuspecting hitchhikers wandering into town.
Dancing with the Homeless – A spin-off of the popular reality show, Dancing with the Stars, the DWTH judges Bruno, Carrie Ann and Len evaluate the soiled, bug-infested costumes and dancing skills of homeless people at the Union Rescue Mission and on the corners of 5th and San Pedro Streets. Contestants compete for warm meals, clothes and prime sleeping locations under bridges and at the Old Greyhound Bus Station.
Lost: The Sahara Desert – In the latest installment of the popular adventure series, the participants are dropped from a helicopter into the complex sand dunes of Sahara Marzup, Libya and forced to duke it out against their fellow contestants, using only a piece of string, one liter of water, an iPod and a pogo stick until they reach the seacoast ports of Shott el Jerid (North Africa’s largest salt lake), the Barchan Sand Dunes or the Suez Canal. From there, contestants have to swim back to the United States, where they’ll file for new visitor visas.
The Warehouse – With the failing economy at Dunder-Mifflin paper company, Michael Scott, Dwight Schrute and Pam Beesly have been demoted to the company’s warehouse where they get involved in a series of hilarious circumstances like learning how to drive a fork lift, weighing boxes in shipping and receiving and figuring out how to use the time clock.
|Owego Legal – The latest casualty in legal dramas has been Owego Legal. Owego is a small village in Tioga County, New York, with only 3911 permanent residents. Writer/Producer David E. Kelley said that even though he managed to land top notch talent from his previous productions, there just wasn’t enough going on in the town to come up with 13 episodes worth writing about. “After covering the obituaries and the classified ads,” said Kelley, “the only thing worth writing about was a man yelling obscenities at several people at 19 W. Mohawk Street.”|
Afghan Idol – After nine years of success in the United States, the producers of American Idol have branched out with Afghan Idol. The series opens with 21 hopefuls, including Abdul Khaliq Aziz, Beltoon, Daud Noori (“Noori Dog”), Deepika Thathaal, Fiza Fayaz, Hafiz Karwandgar, Ibrahim Mohmand, Latif Nangarhari, Khan Qarabaghai, Mahjabeen Qazalbash, Mozhdah Jamalzadah, Noor Mohammad Kochai, Obaidullah Jan Kandarai, Peer Muhammad, Raees Khan, Sahibzada, Shafiq Mureed, Taj Khan, Valy Hedjasi, Wali Khan and Zia-ud-Din-Zia. The fun starts with the contestants belting out Afghan favorites such as “Kojahee” and “Jaan-e Maadar,” while judges Randy Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler try to figure out how to pronounce the contestants’ names.
Who Wants to be Broke? – Spun off of the popular television show, ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’, contestants state their net worth to the producers prior to the start of the show. They then answer a series of increasingly difficult questions, betting their answers against their homes, cars, boats, vacation homes, children’s college funds, life insurance policies and other valuable assets. When the contestant has been completely wiped out, they are sent home with a $100 gift certificate to Legal Zoom.
The Biggest Loser 2011 – Unlike the immensely popular reality show pitting personal trainer Jillian Michaels against obese people striving to lose weight, The Biggest Loser 2011 follows 20 slovenly, unemployed losers on welfare, food stamps and unemployment as they make their way through a typical day, bilking the system out of as much money as they can before they get caught by the police. The winner gets an all-expense paid vacation to the Los Angeles County court system that includes free uniforms, homemade shivs, 3 meals a day and free bus transportation between court dates.