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(Don’t Let Me Be) The Last Virgin in Saigon

October 7, 2016

I’d been fogging up the windows with Magda Biedermann for the better part of our senior year. As graduation approached, I had only one thing on my mind: consummating our relationship (and coincidentally, losing my virginity) before being drafted and sent off to Vietnam. Her motives were considerably more funereal: she wanted to get married and carry our little bun in her oven.

My rapaciousness was no match for Magda’s wholesome ambitions, so progress was painfully slow. While I was able to reach first base through a cunning synthesis of deception, chicanery and Olympic-class flexibility, there were no indications that I’d get any further, let alone slide into home. And, time was quickly running out.

I thought she’d finally caved in during a passionate tussle in the back seat of my mother’s Pontiac. After pinning me down with a Flying Forearm Smash, followed by a humbling Testicular Claw, Magda agreed to sacrifice her loins provided I write her a love song before I left – her idea of the ultimate commitment between a man and a woman. read more

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Chasing the Elu$ive American Dream

May 30, 2016

When I was 10, my father took me by the shoulder and said, “Son, we need to talk.” To this day, whenever someone (particularly my boss), tells me that we need to talk, it sends shivers down my spine.

My mother was away doing whatever mothers do on a Saturday afternoon, so he knew he held me captive for at least an hour. He led me into the garage and told me to slide across the front seat of his car. Sitting in the front seat of my father’s Oldsmobile had become our own little cone of silence, whenever he had something important to teach me.

“Son, we need to talk about something before you get too much older.”

“Is this going to be about the birds and the bees?” I asked. “Because if it is, my teacher already explained hide the hotdog – how boys slide their wienies into a girl’s bun and how important it is to be careful with your mustard.”

“No son, this isn’t about the birds and the bees. It’s about something much more serious. I want to talk to you about money.” I looked at him with a blank stare. I knew nothing about money. I still don’t. read more

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