Browsing Tag

steroids

All Entries Humor Leisure and Sports

The Tour De France Has a Female Winner!

July 7, 2017

Paris, France – Five years after the professional cycling world began allowing women to compete in the three month long Tour de France, the cycling world was stunned when a 21-year-old law student from Long Island, New York became the first woman in the 105-year history of the race to wear the coveted yellow jersey. But the victory did not come without incident.

Flora Eloise Hobble, member of the Stay Free Mini-pad team won the 220 kilometer race in just over 12 weeks, literally destroying her male counterparts through a combination of arguments, temper tantrums and the silent treatment.

“I got off to a pretty shaky start,” said Hobble. “My team director managed to misplace my custom made, carbon fiber makeup case on the flight over, so I had to send him out in search of a replacement. Fortunately, this being France and all, we were able to get one flown in from Paris, just minutes before the start of the first stage.” Three days prior to the race, six other women from four teams were disqualified for using banned breast implants. Although the disqualified cyclists claimed to have participated in rigorous wind tunnel tests, it was determined that the implants did not comply with strict International Cycling Union guidelines for aerodynamics and gave them an unfair advantage over their competitors – especially the men. read more

All Entries Crime and Justice Humor Leisure and Sports

Steroids Invade the World of Chess

September 7, 2016

Canton, Ohio – The professional chess world was rocked today when 13 year old chess prodigy, Bobby Baines, was disqualified from play for testing positive for steroids.

Clayton Groman, Director of the United States Chess Federation announced during a press conference from his office in Crossville, Tennessee that Baines was one of 17 professional chess players ranging in ages from 8 to 97 years old that are under suspicion for taking performance enhancing drugs on the USCF list of banned substances.

“We’ve had Mr. Baines in our crosshairs for quite some time,” said Groman. “We first became suspicious when we noticed that he was becoming much more violent during matches and began exhibiting impaired judgment stemming from feelings of invincibility.” During one recent chess match, Baines became upset over his opponent’s delay in play, so he leaped over the table, hoisted him up into an Airplane Spin and threw him into the audience.

“He’s just a boy,” pleaded Bobby’s mother and manager, Agatha Baines. “Like all boys his age, he’s bound to make mistakes.” When asked if she noticed any other recent changes in Bobby, Agatha confessed that she had noticed some small, yet noticeable physical changes in her son over the past six months. “For one thing, he started to grow more hair – a lot of hair.” she said. “I’m well aware that boys entering puberty are likely to experience changes in their bodies, but I saw Bobby in the shower one afternoon and his back was absolutely covered with hair. He looked just like my brother, Leo and he’s 67 years old. But what really alarmed me was when I saw Bobby trimming the hair in his ears. He’s only 13 for God’s sake.” She also confessed to witnessing some rather rapid weight gain in Bobby. “He gained over 35 pounds of muscle in one week,” she said. “We had to stop buying his clothes at Oshkosh B’Gosh and start shopping at Eagleson’s Big and Tall Shop for Men.” read more

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.