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All Entries Business and Work Family Home Life Humor

Chasing the Elu$ive American Dream

May 30, 2016

When I was 10, my father took me by the shoulder and said, “Son, we need to talk.” To this day, whenever someone (particularly my boss), tells me that we need to talk, it sends shivers down my spine.

My mother was away doing whatever mothers do on a Saturday afternoon, so he knew he held me captive for at least an hour. He led me into the garage and told me to slide across the front seat of his car. Sitting in the front seat of my father’s Oldsmobile had become our own little cone of silence, whenever he had something important to teach me.

“Son, we need to talk about something before you get too much older.”

“Is this going to be about the birds and the bees?” I asked. “Because if it is, my teacher already explained hide the hotdog – how boys slide their wienies into a girl’s bun and how important it is to be careful with your mustard.”

“No son, this isn’t about the birds and the bees. It’s about something much more serious. I want to talk to you about money.” I looked at him with a blank stare. I knew nothing about money. I still don’t. read more

All Entries Crime and Punishment Humor

Bank Robbery Made Easy

April 11, 2016

It’s almost autumn and I’ve managed to fritter away my entire recreation fund on useless things like rent and utilities. I’ve also gone completely through my savings, 401(k), inheritance and half of my frequent flyer miles. Barring an unexpected windfall, I may have to start selling off body parts and fluids or resort to getting a regular job. Or, robbing a bank.

I’ve thought about robbing a bank before, but it’s not easy to do when you live in a small town. After all, if it was, everybody would be doing it. There are a lot of unique deterrents. Just about everybody in town knows who you are and what you wear (“Oh, you mean the Smith kid… Margaret and Lester’s boy who always wears that dirty baseball cap?”). And, unlike the 1930s, you can’t just drive up to the front of the bank like Bonnie and Clyde – you have to use paid, public parking structures. Driving around and around in circles after you’ve heisted bags of cash sort of defeats the purpose of a quick getaway. read more

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