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All Entries Family Home Life Humor

With Rentals Like These, Who Needs Friends?

December 7, 2016

This started out as a bad year. In less than 6 months, I lost my job, condominium, car and girlfriend. Even the cat packed up her litter box and left. When my parents heard the bad news, they immediately snapped into action: they fled to Boca Raton and dropped me from their Christmas card list. The exodus continued with all of my aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews and my one remaining frat brother. Then it hit me. Friends and relatives are just things. Things you can rent.

After the devastation settled in, I made up my mind that I was never going to own friends or family again. If I couldn’t rent someone, I didn’t need them. The following Monday, I began rebuilding my life.

I knew the first thing I’d need was a girlfriend. Someone to share the essence of life –holding hands and laughing while we skipped along the beach, picking up my dirty laundry, doing the vacuuming, cooking, and cleaning the bathroom in my pathetic little studio apartment. Maybe even someone to argue with when the urge moves me. So, I went directly to Rent-a-Friend.com. read more

All Entries Family Home Life Humor

Shake My Hand or I’ll Kiss You

June 18, 2016

Moments after I was born, Dr. Felsenbaum greeted me with a slap on my heinie. Naturally, I was too young to understand the significance of the gesture and took immediate offense to being manhandled straight out of the womb. As it turns out, it wouldn’t be the last time someone slapped me on my backside.

That whack on the bum was my first introduction to a long list of quaint American greeting traditions and was meant to get me started crying and breathing. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I would have preferred a hearty handshake followed by a request to exhale. If he’d asked, I would have been happy to comply – especially if he offered me a cigarette. But, like it or not, that’s how my life began.

When I was in junior high school, we greeted all our friends with a unique variety of insults designed to generate attention – starting by pulling their underwear up to their shoulder blades. I remember being smacked on the back of my head so hard my retainer shot across the room. Slapping our girlfriends on the heinie was preferred over a hearty handshake and was considered a sign of affection. Everyone got away with it, but there’s no way I’d consider giving my supervisor a flat or a wedgie, today. read more

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