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match.com

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Speed Dating Cougars, MILFs and Chihuahuas

September 11, 2017

Ten minutes after my divorce was final, I decided that I’d waited long enough to go looking for the woman of my dreams. Or, at least the next woman of my dreams. The first one was the sausage  jockey I left in 1973 after I came home early and caught her playing “Twister” in the buff with the UPS driver.

I heard from my friends that dating in the 21st Century might be a tad different than I remember it. Guys don’t cruise the boulevard looking for chicks at the malt shop anymore and it’s not cool to leave large hickies on their necks. So, I decided to do some research before I got busy.

The Internet has made dating infinitely easier than it used to be. Thanks to my Comcast account, there’s no longer any need to shower and stumble up to my date’s front door with sweaty palms. I can cut right to the chase from the comfort of my Lazy Boy while eating Doritos in my underwear. Through the wonders of online dating, I can pretend to be anyone I want to be – just like all of the divorced Betties spending their Friday nights glued to the computer screen. There are thousands of helpful articles to help you navigate the world of cyber-necking. Online dating is safer and easier than traditional dating because you never have to worry about actually coming into physical contact with people. By the time they’ve figured out who you really are, they’ve probably already taken out a temporary restraining order against you, blacklisted your email address and changed their telephone number. read more

All Entries Home Life Humor Romance

Expelled from Match.com!

June 16, 2017

I haven’t been on a date in years. And, for good reason. By the time I endure the excruciation of the hunt, anticipation of the first date, the cost of dry cleaning my best leisure suit and trying to figure out what base I’m on, it’s just not worth it. It’s much easier just to stay at home and pretend I’m having a good time by trolling the online dating scene and taking care of myself.

Last year I enrolled at Match.com using the pen name of “MrMarvelous” just to see if there was anyone out there as desperate as I was to meet their perfect mate. After blowing off an entire day’s work perusing the women within 100 miles of my zip code, seven major metropolises and all of the neighborhoods I’ve ever lived, it became readily apparent that of the 40 million single men and women who subscribe to on-line dating services, most are looking for the same thing – and their profiles reflect it. So, to leverage myself against my male competitors and attract more than my fair share of the lovelier sex, I decided to create the following original member profile to flaunt my rapier wit. After all, isn’t that what women want: a man with a sense of humor? read more

All Entries Family Home Life Humor Romance

The Real Secret to Using On-line Dating

December 7, 2016

It’s Saturday night around 11:30 and I’ve been telling Carol about the time I visited Nepal while on break from Harvard Medical School. I was telling Leslie how much I excel at skiing the steeps in the Chugach mountain range and Sharon and I were engaged in a long discussion about our favorite restaurants in Tuscany. All from the comfort of my living room.

I haven’t been on a date in over five years; ever since my wife left me for the Bowflex repairman. So, it’s easy to understand why I’ve so grown comfortable with sidling up to women through Match.com, Great-Expectations.com, WaaaayOverThirtySingles.com, and Plentyof Fish.com – while wallowing in the safety that only deception and miles of distance can provide. But recently, I’ve started to grow suspicious of the women I’ve been meeting after reading their on-line profiles. They all seem to sound suspiciously the same.

So, after more than 45 minutes of exhaustive research, I came up with an interpretive approach for anyone hoping to find “Mr. or Ms. Right” over their wireless network. read more

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