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marriage

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Expelled from Match.com!

June 16, 2017

I haven’t been on a date in years. And, for good reason. By the time I endure the excruciation of the hunt, anticipation of the first date, the cost of dry cleaning my best leisure suit and trying to figure out what base I’m on, it’s just not worth it. It’s much easier just to stay at home and pretend I’m having a good time by trolling the online dating scene and taking care of myself.

Last year I enrolled at Match.com using the pen name of “MrMarvelous” just to see if there was anyone out there as desperate as I was to meet their perfect mate. After blowing off an entire day’s work perusing the women within 100 miles of my zip code, seven major metropolises and all of the neighborhoods I’ve ever lived, it became readily apparent that of the 40 million single men and women who subscribe to on-line dating services, most are looking for the same thing – and their profiles reflect it. So, to leverage myself against my male competitors and attract more than my fair share of the lovelier sex, I decided to create the following original member profile to flaunt my rapier wit. After all, isn’t that what women want: a man with a sense of humor? read more

All Entries Home Life Humor Romance

For Better or for Worse

December 6, 2016

Boston, Mass. – In a landmark case for matrimonial rights, a Boston man married himself today in a private service. Roland Nigland, 31, stood before a municipal judge and a small gathering of close friends to profess his love to himself in what is believed to be the first same-person marriage on record.

“From the moment that I saw my reflection in the mirror,” said Nigland, “I fell in love with myself.” Nigland confessed that the first time that he started to experience strong feelings for himself was in the third grade. “I snuck into my room the other morning and pressed my nose into a hamper of my dirty laundry. I just couldn’t get that fragrance out of my mind.” As Nigland became a young man, he started to experience undeniable sexual feelings for himself. “At first, I tried to ignore them. But, one day when my hand innocently brushed up against my thigh, I knew that I had to take it to the next level.”

In the beginning, Nigland harmlessly flirted with himself in the school library, but feared that someone might catch him in the act, so he started renting cheap rooms at the Bedford Motel. “I was always nervous when I checked in. I began to sweat when the desk clerk asked me how many guests would be spending the night – even though I knew it was only me. Sometimes I’d just pay double to avoid causing suspicion.” read more

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