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love

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The End of a Love Affair

December 7, 2016

Boston, MASS – In a sad epilogue to an earlier published story, Roland Nigland, 33, has filed for divorce from himself citing irreconcilable differences. Readers may recall that Nigland, of Boston, Massachusetts became the first person to publicly profess his love for himself in what was believed to be the first same-person marriage on record.

“I honestly don’t know what happened,” said Nigland. “I was so much in love with myself. After the wedding, I set up house in a renovated Beacon Hill apartment, found a new job and made plans to start a family. All the usual stuff. But then, just as quickly, things began to fall apart.”

After only 18 months of marriage, Nigland began noticing that he stopped communicating with himself. “I used to love to walk along the beach holding my hand in mine, reminiscing about all of the good times I had,” said Nigland. “I’d stay up half the night caressing myself, laughing and giggling like a teenager. I even talked about raising a little Nigland or two. But suddenly, I stopped sharing intimate secrets with myself. Sex became more and more infrequent and there were the calls from a mysterious stranger who would hang up as soon as I answered the telephone. I began to suspect that I might be having an affair, so I hired a private investigator.” read more

All Entries Home Life Humor Romance

For Better or for Worse

December 6, 2016

Boston, Mass. – In a landmark case for matrimonial rights, a Boston man married himself today in a private service. Roland Nigland, 31, stood before a municipal judge and a small gathering of close friends to profess his love to himself in what is believed to be the first same-person marriage on record.

“From the moment that I saw my reflection in the mirror,” said Nigland, “I fell in love with myself.” Nigland confessed that the first time that he started to experience strong feelings for himself was in the third grade. “I snuck into my room the other morning and pressed my nose into a hamper of my dirty laundry. I just couldn’t get that fragrance out of my mind.” As Nigland became a young man, he started to experience undeniable sexual feelings for himself. “At first, I tried to ignore them. But, one day when my hand innocently brushed up against my thigh, I knew that I had to take it to the next level.”

In the beginning, Nigland harmlessly flirted with himself in the school library, but feared that someone might catch him in the act, so he started renting cheap rooms at the Bedford Motel. “I was always nervous when I checked in. I began to sweat when the desk clerk asked me how many guests would be spending the night – even though I knew it was only me. Sometimes I’d just pay double to avoid causing suspicion.” read more

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