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All Entries Humor Life and Death Religion

Stranded in Purgatory

October 7, 2016

Here I am. Stranded in Purgatory. You’d think with all of the opportunities I’ve had to excel or fall from grace, I’d have gone straight to Heaven or Hell. Instead, I’m trapped here in mediocrity.

Getting stranded in Purgatory is the equivalent of getting a C+ on your Chemistry final – not bad, but not great, either. True, I’ve never gone out of my way for anyone, my entire life. Faced with the opportunity to do something illegal, compassionate or meaningful that could result in some form of positive or negative distinction, I always took the easy way out. Like the time Morrie Fensterman’s wife came onto me at the Christmas party. Instead of ripping off her elf costume and ravishing her on the conference table, I chose to give her a half-assed hickey in the janitor’s closet. Big deal. “You’ll never get into heaven that way,” accused my friends. It also won’t get me into hell. Where it did get me was the head of the line to Purgatory. You have to do something a lot worse than having a tussle with your manager’s wife to earn a lifetime of eternal fire. read more

All Entries Appearance Health Weight Control

Twelve Ways to Feel Healthy & Beautiful without Losing a Pound

July 5, 2016

Imagine for a moment, that someone came up with a health and beauty scale that had nothing to do with how much you weigh or the way you look. How do you think you’d rate? Would you score a 10? Or, maybe a 5? More importantly, who would be the judge?

Nearly everyone has chased their perfect image at one time or another. Spurred by television, magazines and social media, we convince ourselves that we won’t be happy until we’re a lithe, alluring, knockout. In fact, less than 2 percent of American women have the bodies of runway supermodels. Those who do, often suffer from physical and emotional disorders, trying to be someone other than themselves.

When it comes to overall health and happiness, how you look on the outside usually represents who you are on the inside. The secret to achieving the perfect you, relies on physical and mental health, as well as self-esteem and confidence. Here are twelve proven solutions to get you started enjoying a better you – without losing a pound.

Find humor in your life. Will Rogers once said, “Everything is funny. As long as it’s happening to somebody else.” That’s probably true. Put 7 billion people together on the same planet and something funny is bound to happen. But, people struggling with health or self-esteem issues rarely see the funny side of life. They’re too busy focusing on their problems to let humor into their lives. Try to let go of your inhibitions. Be more spontaneous. By releasing your hold on situations that you can’t control, the humor will begin to seep in. read more

All Entries Health Humor

I Don’t Feel as Good as I Look

March 18, 2016

When I was younger, I was indestructible. Or, at least I thought I was. All through my teens and twenties, I would routinely risk life and limb, cliff diving in Acapulco and driving at the speed of sound the wrong direction up one-way streets – all without a thought to the consequences if something were to go wrong. Old age has changed all that.

Nowadays, before I even open my eyes in the morning, I run through a comprehensive physical checklist prior to swinging my feet out of bed – lower back: check. Right and left knees: check. Feet and ankles: check. Hands, wrists and elbows: check. Head and neck: check. If my inventory passes muster, I’ll pad into the kitchen to make coffee. If it doesn’t, I’ll initiate a whirlwind of events, ultimately leading to my funeral.

My last episode began with an innocuous pain on the inside of my cheek. Most people would consider it a minor inconvenience, then get on with their day. Not me. I need to know exactly what’s wrong with me and how it’s going to impact the rest of my life. Could this be the beginning of what eventually takes me down? By running the tip of my tongue over the affected area, I began to manufacture enough symptoms to warrant researching the malady on WebMD. I’m not usually interested in what the discomfort is, but rather what it could be. WebMD has a handy symptom checker that lets me catalogue all of my daily aches and pains, saving them in a personal online profile on Facebook and Twitter. If anyone asks, “How are you today?” I can give them more information than they probably want. read more

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