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Feng Shui

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Feng Shui-ing My Chakras

December 7, 2016

Dr. Levenfish was baffled. There was nothing more western medicine could do to pull me out of the depths of my depression. Feeling like my life had totally unraveled, I began entertaining thoughts of non-traditional methods of suicide like handcuffing myself to my mother-in-law. But I never had the courage to follow through with it.

“Well, since you’ve made the decision to live,” said Dr. Levenfish, “I guess we should start looking at alternative solutions. Have you ever thought about trying Chinese medicine? Maybe something that might correct your maligned Chakras?”

I gasped. Up until now, I didn’t even know I had Chakras, let alone the possibility that something could be wrong with them. Dr. Levenfish was concerned enough about my condition to rush me by ambulance to Dr. Wu Jian Huang. Dr. Huang was an esteemed practitioner in the art of Chinese medicine and had published hundreds of articles in respected medical journals like Good Housekeeping, Woman’s World and Redbook.

“Good morning, Mr. Smith,” said Dr. Huang. “I’d like to begin examining your Chakras, Chi and Meridians.” I had no idea what he was talking about. For all I knew, he could have been saying, “早上好, 史密斯先生。利文菲什博士給我打電話,是有關你的情況,所以我想與您的許可權,不浪費時間在探索你的脈輪,志和經絡” Which, of course, he was. read more

All Entries Business and Work Humor

Employment is a Full-Time Job

April 18, 2016

I wasn’t born to be a sperm donor. Nor was it my lifelong dream to be a grave digger, dog food tester or phone sex worker – but I’ve done all four. And worse.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had trouble settling on a career. Unlike most of my high school classmates who instantly knew they wanted to be politicians, lawyers or proctologists (which I conveniently lump into the same category), my lot in life has been a never ending search for the meaning of life – and where to clock out at the end of the day. Bouncing from one hollow, low-paying experience to another, my job search has taken me to the far corners of the world looking for anything that held the lure of a good income, an opportunity to make significant contributions to humanity, something gratifying and maybe have a little fun.

The first person to identify the secret to happiness in the workplace was the legendary 16th century career counselor, Giustiniano Colafranceso. He proposed the Lavoro Schifoso Triangle – with earning capacity, job description and geographical location making up the Three Legs of Success. True to his theory, a recent Manpower study reported that the happiest people in the world are male prostitutes, Bingo announcers and crop dusters. Colafranceso went on to claim that you can still be reasonably content by satisfying only one or two – provided they outweigh the drawbacks of the others. It’s easy to see how the equation works: I was ecstatic working as a hydro colonic therapist making $25,000 a year in Lake Geneva, Switzerland. Certainly happier than I was smelling eggs at Pelican Bay or writing predictions for fortune cookies. I was absolutely miserable as a crematory operator for Walmart, but not as much as a canine masseur. read more

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