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The Great Outdoors

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Toad-ally High

April 20, 2017

If you think you’ve already tried all of the traditional ways of getting high such as alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy and are looking for a new disgusting, unhygienic way to leave the planet earth for a while, then look no further than the banks of the Colorado River.

Hopping along the river’s shores in southern Arizona, California and northern New Mexico, the “Bufo Alvarius Toad” (also called the “Cane Toad” or “Colorado River Toad”) would otherwise be in danger of being a wolf’s or Gila Monster’s main course if it weren’t for a highly toxic venom it produces whenever it gets agitated – the same venom that can get you high as a kite if properly ingested.

The venom produced by the Bufo Alvarius Toad is a concentrated chemical called “bufotenine” that also happens to contain the hallucinogen, “5-MeO-DMT.” Ingested directly from the toad’s skin in toxic doses, bufotenine is powerful enough to kill dogs and other small animals. However, when ingested in other ways – such as smoking – the toxic bufotenine  burns off leaving only 5-MeO-DMT that can produce an intense, albeit, short-lived rush that has been described as “100 times more powerful than LSD or magic mushrooms,” even if it takes a lot more work to get it. read more

All Entries Humor Leisure and Sports The Great Outdoors

New Rules for Deer and Elk Hunting Season!

September 11, 2016

It’s late summer and in just a few short weeks, our national forests will once again be teeming with overweight, beer-guzzling, ATV thrashing, middle-aged men bonding with their offspring, engaged in an annual wilderness right of passage: deer and elk hunting season.

Across the United States, there have always been three traditional hunting seasons: archery, muzzleloader, followed by high-power rifle season. Short of running and hiding, deer and elk have stood absolutely defenseless against this barrage of artillery.

Forced to live off the land by just their instincts and lightning-fast reactions, wildlife are helpless against man-made weapons of mass destruction. So, to correct the problem, the US Fish and Wildlife Service and the Department of Agriculture has agreed to replace the three traditional hunting seasons with fairer, more humane seasons meant to “level the playing field” for deer and elk. They are wrestling season, primitive weapons season followed by knife fighting season. read more

All Entries Humor The Great Outdoors

The Doctor Wiww See You Now

August 7, 2016

After spending a week in the ICU, the only residual effect keeping me from returning to work was a minor pronunciation impediment, so my neurologist recommended I start working with a speech pathologist. Fortunately, one of the country’s top specialists worked right down the street. Being in the entertainment industry, I’d heard of him and the valuable work he was doing with celebrities. He was instrumental in eliminating Daffy Duck’s lisp, Porky Pig’s stuttering and Foghorn Leghorn’s southern drawl. He’d also worked with the Roadrunner to expand his miniscule vocabulary from meep meep to that of a graduate student in English literature.

I was ushered into an exam room and given the standard stack of insurance papers. I lied about how I injured myself. Fearing the insurance company would consider my accident a stunt and not a bonafide medical emergency, I wrote down that I blew my nose on the summit of Mount Everest. Ten minutes later, the doctor walked into the room.

“Good mowning, Miwfte Smiff. I’m Doctow Fudd. How awe you feewing this mowning? What seems to be the pwobwem?” read more

All Entries Entertainment and Show Business Humor Leisure and Sports The Great Outdoors

Golf Course Thugs

June 11, 2016

I love sports. And, considering there isn’t an athletic gene in my entire family, I manage to do pretty well at anything I decide to try – except golf.

Looking back, I’m not really sure why I took up golf in the first place. It’s the one sport that, the harder I tried, the worse I got. I was in high school at the time and started hanging around a tough bunch of thugs. Well, not really thugs as you know them. We weren’t covered with tattoos, didn’t wear smelly leather jackets, take drugs or hang around street corners fleecing old ladies of their social security checks. None of us had motorcycles, so there wasn’t any point in planning a bank robbery with a high speed getaway. But we did terrorize golfers at our local pitch and putt.

One of the first things that drew me to golf was all of the cool stuff you needed in order to play the game. There were the clubs, the golf club bags with all of the zippers and handles, the spiked shoes, tees, balls (that came in a nice cellophane-wrapped box), gloves, clothes and hats. Then, there were all of the accessories: rangefinders, golf ball retrievers, knitted golf club head covers, golf towels, umbrellas, watches, carts, stands and training accessories. I also liked golf because you could drink beer and smoke while playing the game – pretty tough to do with other sports like pole vaulting or running steeplechase. My parents were very supportive of my getting involved with golf. They thought it was great that I hung around the clubhouse and driving range everyday after school – at least until they discovered what I was really up to. read more

All Entries Health Leisure and Sports Medicine The Great Outdoors

Sarah’s Will

January 22, 2016

Anyone who’s gone through a life-changing event will tell you that transformations do not always happen for the worse. Sometimes, what may seem to be a catastrophic turn of events can end up reshaping your entire reason for being.

In December of 1988, Sarah Will was a jubilant, attractive college graduate working as a carpenter in Aspen, Colorado. On her days off, she consumed hours ripping up the slopes, chasing after the perfect run. One morning while traversing across a hill to catch another lift, her skis came to an abrupt halt, launching her over her tips and onto her back. She couldn’t feel her legs. “I knew immediately what that meant. As you’re being ferried between one hospital room to another, you try to maintain hope. But when there’s no feeling in your legs and you can’t move your toes, it’s almost too much to absorb while holding out for the best. You need to focus on the present.” Some of her thoughts were, “Did I not pray enough? Is this an example of ‘What goes around, comes around?’ “But, I can’t ever recall asking myself, ‘Why me?’ because I accepted the fact that I was a skier and pursued a high risk sport.” read more

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