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Expelled from!

June 16, 2017

I haven’t been on a date in years. And, for good reason. By the time I endure the excruciation of the hunt, anticipation of the first date, the cost of dry cleaning my best leisure suit and trying to figure out what base I’m on, it’s just not worth it. It’s much easier just to stay at home and pretend I’m having a good time by trolling the online dating scene and taking care of myself.

Last year I enrolled at using the pen name of “MrMarvelous” just to see if there was anyone out there as desperate as I was to meet their perfect mate. After blowing off an entire day’s work perusing the women within 100 miles of my zip code, seven major metropolises and all of the neighborhoods I’ve ever lived, it became readily apparent that of the 40 million single men and women who subscribe to on-line dating services, most are looking for the same thing – and their profiles reflect it. So, to leverage myself against my male competitors and attract more than my fair share of the lovelier sex, I decided to create the following original member profile to flaunt my rapier wit. After all, isn’t that what women want: a man with a sense of humor? read more

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My Sizzling Russian Bride

December 11, 2016

By the time I found Svetlana, I knew I was in love. Having been tossed off all the run-of-the-mill American online dating sites like Farmersonly, GothicMatch, STDFriends, CougarWomen, DirtyEncounters and, I finally resorted to trolling for eastern European women on That’s where my troubles began.

After combing through thousands of profiles of beautiful Russian women, I settled on someone I thought could be “the one.” Svetlana was a voluptuous 27-year-old dental hygienist from the small village of Trochenbrod. According to her profile, she was college educated, spoke “some English” and loved reading, cooking, photography and pole vaulting. Her carefully crafted message read, “Hi. I’m Svetlana. I’m womanly Russian single who is very communicable, counterbalanced and without bad habits. I like to meet lusty man in high social position to create family. I come from gay family, am sporty, well provided and would be orderly wife. I would love to make your intercourse.” read more

All Entries Family Home Life Humor Romance

The Real Secret to Using On-line Dating

December 7, 2016

It’s Saturday night around 11:30 and I’ve been telling Carol about the time I visited Nepal while on break from Harvard Medical School. I was telling Leslie how much I excel at skiing the steeps in the Chugach mountain range and Sharon and I were engaged in a long discussion about our favorite restaurants in Tuscany. All from the comfort of my living room.

I haven’t been on a date in over five years; ever since my wife left me for the Bowflex repairman. So, it’s easy to understand why I’ve so grown comfortable with sidling up to women through,,, and Plentyof – while wallowing in the safety that only deception and miles of distance can provide. But recently, I’ve started to grow suspicious of the women I’ve been meeting after reading their on-line profiles. They all seem to sound suspiciously the same.

So, after more than 45 minutes of exhaustive research, I came up with an interpretive approach for anyone hoping to find “Mr. or Ms. Right” over their wireless network. read more

All Entries Home Life Humor Romance

The End of a Love Affair

December 7, 2016

Boston, MASS – In a sad epilogue to an earlier published story, Roland Nigland, 33, has filed for divorce from himself citing irreconcilable differences. Readers may recall that Nigland, of Boston, Massachusetts became the first person to publicly profess his love for himself in what was believed to be the first same-person marriage on record.

“I honestly don’t know what happened,” said Nigland. “I was so much in love with myself. After the wedding, I set up house in a renovated Beacon Hill apartment, found a new job and made plans to start a family. All the usual stuff. But then, just as quickly, things began to fall apart.”

After only 18 months of marriage, Nigland began noticing that he stopped communicating with himself. “I used to love to walk along the beach holding my hand in mine, reminiscing about all of the good times I had,” said Nigland. “I’d stay up half the night caressing myself, laughing and giggling like a teenager. I even talked about raising a little Nigland or two. But suddenly, I stopped sharing intimate secrets with myself. Sex became more and more infrequent and there were the calls from a mysterious stranger who would hang up as soon as I answered the telephone. I began to suspect that I might be having an affair, so I hired a private investigator.” read more

All Entries Home Life Humor Romance

For Better or for Worse

December 6, 2016

Boston, Mass. – In a landmark case for matrimonial rights, a Boston man married himself today in a private service. Roland Nigland, 31, stood before a municipal judge and a small gathering of close friends to profess his love to himself in what is believed to be the first same-person marriage on record.

“From the moment that I saw my reflection in the mirror,” said Nigland, “I fell in love with myself.” Nigland confessed that the first time that he started to experience strong feelings for himself was in the third grade. “I snuck into my room the other morning and pressed my nose into a hamper of my dirty laundry. I just couldn’t get that fragrance out of my mind.” As Nigland became a young man, he started to experience undeniable sexual feelings for himself. “At first, I tried to ignore them. But, one day when my hand innocently brushed up against my thigh, I knew that I had to take it to the next level.”

In the beginning, Nigland harmlessly flirted with himself in the school library, but feared that someone might catch him in the act, so he started renting cheap rooms at the Bedford Motel. “I was always nervous when I checked in. I began to sweat when the desk clerk asked me how many guests would be spending the night – even though I knew it was only me. Sometimes I’d just pay double to avoid causing suspicion.” read more

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