Monthly Archives

September 2016

All Entries Humor Leisure and Sports The Great Outdoors

New Rules for Deer and Elk Hunting Season!

September 11, 2016

It’s late summer and in just a few short weeks, our national forests will once again be teeming with overweight, beer-guzzling, ATV thrashing, middle-aged men bonding with their offspring, engaged in an annual wilderness right of passage: deer and elk hunting season.

Across the United States, there have always been three traditional hunting seasons: archery, muzzleloader, followed by high-power rifle season. Short of running and hiding, deer and elk have stood absolutely defenseless against this barrage of artillery.

Forced to live off the land by just their instincts and lightning-fast reactions, wildlife are helpless against man-made weapons of mass destruction. So, to correct the problem, the US Fish and Wildlife Service and the Department of Agriculture has agreed to replace the three traditional hunting seasons with fairer, more humane seasons meant to “level the playing field” for deer and elk. They are wrestling season, primitive weapons season followed by knife fighting season. read more

All Entries Crime and Justice Humor Leisure and Sports

Steroids Invade the World of Chess

September 7, 2016

Canton, Ohio – The professional chess world was rocked today when 13 year old chess prodigy, Bobby Baines, was disqualified from play for testing positive for steroids.

Clayton Groman, Director of the United States Chess Federation announced during a press conference from his office in Crossville, Tennessee that Baines was one of 17 professional chess players ranging in ages from 8 to 97 years old that are under suspicion for taking performance enhancing drugs on the USCF list of banned substances.

“We’ve had Mr. Baines in our crosshairs for quite some time,” said Groman. “We first became suspicious when we noticed that he was becoming much more violent during matches and began exhibiting impaired judgment stemming from feelings of invincibility.” During one recent chess match, Baines became upset over his opponent’s delay in play, so he leaped over the table, hoisted him up into an Airplane Spin and threw him into the audience.

“He’s just a boy,” pleaded Bobby’s mother and manager, Agatha Baines. “Like all boys his age, he’s bound to make mistakes.” When asked if she noticed any other recent changes in Bobby, Agatha confessed that she had noticed some small, yet noticeable physical changes in her son over the past six months. “For one thing, he started to grow more hair – a lot of hair.” she said. “I’m well aware that boys entering puberty are likely to experience changes in their bodies, but I saw Bobby in the shower one afternoon and his back was absolutely covered with hair. He looked just like my brother, Leo and he’s 67 years old. But what really alarmed me was when I saw Bobby trimming the hair in his ears. He’s only 13 for God’s sake.” She also confessed to witnessing some rather rapid weight gain in Bobby. “He gained over 35 pounds of muscle in one week,” she said. “We had to stop buying his clothes at Oshkosh B’Gosh and start shopping at Eagleson’s Big and Tall Shop for Men.” read more

All Entries Home Life Humor Romance

Kisses Are Like Snowflakes

September 7, 2016

By the time I was a pre-pubescent kid, I knew a lot about kissing. All of it from the movies. Every Saturday afternoon, I’d take copious notes, jotting down the techniques of Humphrey Bogart, Montgomery Clift and Charleton Heston. I thrashed around in my seat as Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr were buffeted about in the surf, clinging to the lip-lock that would make them forever famous in “From Here to Eternity.” Then, I’d go home and practice on Bailey, our dog.

When I reached high school things really began to heat up. Kissing was all the guys in the Geography Club ever talked about. “Did you lay one on Mary Ellen Fenstermacher yet? Did she let you cop a feel?” It was getting serious. I knew I only had so much time to learn how to kiss before the opportunity arose and I embarrassed myself for life. So I went straight to the source: my older sister.

“Denise, would you let me practice kissing you?”

“Euwww. Are you crazy, you little twerp? Yuck. I wouldn’t let you give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation if I was passed out under a moving train! Get outta’ my room!” read more

All Entries Humor The Arts

Acting is the Life (Sentence) for Me

September 7, 2016

With less than seven months go to before my next parole hearing, I decided to get my house in order. Or, should I say my cell. I was doing 15 to life at Sing Sing for a long list of class C misdemeanors, including furnishing cigarettes to my 12-year-old sister and her friends. Since my parole requests had already been denied 7 times, I decided to try a radical approach to making myself appear rehabilitated: taking acting classes.

Sing Sing started offering vocational arts classes to career felons like me through the Convicts and Rehabilitated Actors Program. Founded in 1996, CRAP was modeled after New York’s famous Actors Studio and boasted alumni like Mike Tyson, Wesley Snipes and Marilyn Manson. Through a long list of productions such as The Great Escape, Escape from New York, Escape from Alcatraz, Dead Man Walking, Riot in Cell Block 11, Doing Time, 20,000 Years in Sing Sing, Up the River and Doing Life, the alumni of CRAP have demonstrated that it can significantly improve career felons’ behavior, instill a sense of humor and reduce recidivism after being paroled. It gives parolees a chance to explore alternative emotions and ways of communicating besides throttling and sodomizing their peers. read more

All Entries Home Life Humor

Three Nickels, a Bent Paper Clip and Two Dead Flies

September 7, 2016

I always enjoy my visits to Dr. Ramakrishna’s office. Not because I like going to the doctor, but because it’s the only chance I get to catch up on three-year-old issues of Amateur Pilot, Bow Hunters Magazine and Nursing Administration Quarterly. That’s where I ran across an article written for ADHD sufferers: “How to Stop Losing Things and Find Happiness.” I don’t have ADHD, but I do share many of the same symptoms. Like losing things.

As a first grader, I never lost anything – largely because I’d wear the same clothes for as long as a month and never owned a watch, earrings or necklace. Six-year-olds usually don’t drive, so it was impossible to lose my car keys. I didn’t own a wallet, so losing credit cards and a Subway punch card was out of the question. Everything important went into my two front pockets: three nickels, a bent paper clip and two dead flies. It wasn’t until I was a sophomore in high school that I discovered how important it was never to lose things. Well, most things. read more

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