Monthly Archives

June 2016

All Entries Family Home Life Humor

Shake My Hand or I’ll Kiss You

June 18, 2016

Moments after I was born, Dr. Felsenbaum greeted me with a slap on my heinie. Naturally, I was too young to understand the significance of the gesture and took immediate offense to being manhandled straight out of the womb. As it turns out, it wouldn’t be the last time someone slapped me on my backside.

That whack on the bum was my first introduction to a long list of quaint American greeting traditions and was meant to get me started crying and breathing. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I would have preferred a hearty handshake followed by a request to exhale. If he’d asked, I would have been happy to comply – especially if he offered me a cigarette. But, like it or not, that’s how my life began.

When I was in junior high school, we greeted all our friends with a unique variety of insults designed to generate attention – starting by pulling their underwear up to their shoulder blades. I remember being smacked on the back of my head so hard my retainer shot across the room. Slapping our girlfriends on the heinie was preferred over a hearty handshake and was considered a sign of affection. Everyone got away with it, but there’s no way I’d consider giving my supervisor a flat or a wedgie, today. read more

All Entries Health Home Life Humor Weight Control

New Horizons in Weight Control

June 12, 2016

During one of my recent nocturnal online shopping trips, I came across a number of great new products designed to make it easy to lose weight. Well, they hadn’t actually become products yet, but were still in the “figment of someone’s imagination” phase – based enough in reality to have been issued patents, but still miles away from seeing the light of day. I did, however, manage to find three that were for sale, so I scooped them up before they disappeared from the market.

Scientists and Registered Dieticians agree that most of us are overweight because they eat too much, too fast. That’s where the Alarm Fork comes in. This handy battery-operated utensil comes with two lights embedded in the handle – one green and one red. Sensors in the tangs of the fork tell it when it’s loaded with food and turn the red light on. After you slide the empty fork out of your mouth, a built-in timer insures that the red light stays lit until you’ve had time to completely chew and swallow your food, when the light turns green. read more

All Entries Entertainment and Show Business Humor Leisure and Sports The Great Outdoors

Golf Course Thugs

June 11, 2016

I love sports. And, considering there isn’t an athletic gene in my entire family, I manage to do pretty well at anything I decide to try – except golf.

Looking back, I’m not really sure why I took up golf in the first place. It’s the one sport that, the harder I tried, the worse I got. I was in high school at the time and started hanging around a tough bunch of thugs. Well, not really thugs as you know them. We weren’t covered with tattoos, didn’t wear smelly leather jackets, take drugs or hang around street corners fleecing old ladies of their social security checks. None of us had motorcycles, so there wasn’t any point in planning a bank robbery with a high speed getaway. But we did terrorize golfers at our local pitch and putt.

One of the first things that drew me to golf was all of the cool stuff you needed in order to play the game. There were the clubs, the golf club bags with all of the zippers and handles, the spiked shoes, tees, balls (that came in a nice cellophane-wrapped box), gloves, clothes and hats. Then, there were all of the accessories: rangefinders, golf ball retrievers, knitted golf club head covers, golf towels, umbrellas, watches, carts, stands and training accessories. I also liked golf because you could drink beer and smoke while playing the game – pretty tough to do with other sports like pole vaulting or running steeplechase. My parents were very supportive of my getting involved with golf. They thought it was great that I hung around the clubhouse and driving range everyday after school – at least until they discovered what I was really up to. read more

All Entries Education Home Life Humor

Hand Gestures

June 7, 2016

Late last night, I was yanked away from the season finale of “The Desperate Lives of Atlanta Housewives” by an urgent knock on the door. It was Ping.

Ping recently emigrated from Thailand and is boning up for his citizenship examination by taking English lessons. Taking pity on anyone having to learn English as an adult, I graciously volunteered to help tutor him with the nuances they never teach you in language school.

“If you really want to fit into the fabric of American society,” I told Ping, “You’ll have to learn American slang and the thousands of grunts, hand signs, gestures and sounds we Americans use to take the place of the 500,000 proper English terms we’ve dropped since learning to speak our first words. Like the Check Please gesture.

The Check Please gesture originated in the U.S., but has rapidly spread to every corner of the globe. Effective in the smallest bodega to the ritziest eatery, the gesture is used when you’re ready to leave and want the waiter to bring you your check – now. Start by thrusting your arm into the air and snapping your fingers repeatedly until you get their attention. Follow this by pretending to hold a writing implement and make a squiggly motion with your hand. Simple, but useful, the Check Please gesture has managed to erode centuries of respect and decorum, when people used to have enough class to wait patiently for their waiter to come by and inquire about the service, and ask if they would care for anything else? read more

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