Monthly Archives

May 2016

All Entries Business and Work Family Home Life Humor

Chasing the Elu$ive American Dream

May 30, 2016

When I was 10, my father took me by the shoulder and said, “Son, we need to talk.” To this day, whenever someone (particularly my boss), tells me that we need to talk, it sends shivers down my spine.

My mother was away doing whatever mothers do on a Saturday afternoon, so he knew he held me captive for at least an hour. He led me into the garage and told me to slide across the front seat of his car. Sitting in the front seat of my father’s Oldsmobile had become our own little cone of silence, whenever he had something important to teach me.

“Son, we need to talk about something before you get too much older.”

“Is this going to be about the birds and the bees?” I asked. “Because if it is, my teacher already explained hide the hotdog – how boys slide their wienies into a girl’s bun and how important it is to be careful with your mustard.”

“No son, this isn’t about the birds and the bees. It’s about something much more serious. I want to talk to you about money.” I looked at him with a blank stare. I knew nothing about money. I still don’t. read more

All Entries Crime and Punishment Humor Travel

Sticky Bomb Threat Foiled

May 15, 2016

Los Angeles, California – American authorities announced yesterday that they had successfully thwarted an attempt by terrorists to detonate dozens of “sticky bombs” made from 1-liter bottles of Diet Coke and Mentos candy mints, preventing what could have been the messiest attack on U.S. air carriers in aviation history.
The Transportation Security Administration first became aware of the threat after observing a number of men of Middle Eastern descent carrying cases of the popular drink onto six different planes. “At first, we were focused on what was in their carry-on luggage,” said Henry Wilkinson, TSA’s Chief of Domestic Terrorism. “We were looking for mainstream explosives like jelled nitroparafin, metal perchlorate and nitroglycerin. It never even dawned on us to look for soda.” Security officials at Los Angeles International Airport let the men breeze right through the screening stations, completely unaware of the threat they represented.

The bombs were made from a number of very simple, yet deadly components. The men, all in their early twenties and members of the radical “al-Quesadilla” extremist group, first became aware of the soda’s volatile nature after visiting the “Professor Brainius Wild and Wacky Science for Kids” website, where it explained in detail how to explode liters of Diet Coke by dropping packages of Mentos candy mints into them. “The Diet Coke idea was brilliant,” said Wilkinson. “They knew that they could easily smuggle the Mentos on board by stringing them together and wearing them around their necks as Afghan fertility beads,” said Wilkinson. “Then, they stuffed 12, one liter bottles of Diet Coke into the inside pockets of their wool trench coats.” The fact that it was mid-August and over 100 degrees outside, failed to generate any interest from the TSA agents or passengers – even during a pat down. Once on-board, assembling the bombs was easy. read more

All Entries Entertainment and Show Business Family Humor Leisure and Sports

The Happiest Summit on Earth

May 11, 2016

By the time the kids were let out for summer vacation, the climbing window for summiting Mt. Everest had already come and gone. I promised Shimmel that I would take him and his 8-year-old sister Toiba to the top of Mt. Everest to celebrate his circumcision, but none of the guide companies would have anything to do with a middle-aged, sedentary writer and his two irascible children. So, we shifted gears and made plans to climb The Happiest Peak on Earth – the Matterhorn. Not the legendary mountain in Zermatt, but the steel and cement behemoth located in the center of Disneyland.

At 147 feet, the Matterhorn towers high over the violent border between Tomorrowland and Fantasyland. It’s riddled with dangerous roller coaster cars, screaming kids and half the year is covered with spilled soda and sticky cotton candy. Since opening in 1959, hundreds of climbers have plunged to their deaths after underestimating the complexity of the Matterhorn’s North Face – the only route yet unchallenged. That was where we were headed. read more

All Entries Family Health Home Life Humor Hygiene

Last Chance Undies

May 11, 2016

When I was a kid growing up in southern California, I’d try to escape the blistering summer heat by playing in the sprinklers on the front lawn or floating submerged in a public swimming pool until my fingers turned to prunes. I counted those hours under water as part of my daily hygienic practices. My mother didn’t.

At that age I didn’t know that the reason they chlorinated the water so heavily was because my classmates were peeing or Hershey squirting in the water. It looked clean to me. The way I looked at it, as long as I spent every day under water, I could go the entire summer without having to bathe. Since that time, I’ve learned a lot about good hygiene practices, but have committed to only a few. It’s not that I have anything against being clean – I just have better things to do with my time than shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth and clean underneath my fingernails.

I wasn’t interested in girls while in grammar school, so I wasn’t particularly concerned about how I smelled. To be honest, I was completely oblivious to it. On occasion, I was known to turn my T-shirts inside out to get a few more days wear out of them before they were candidates for the laundry hamper. Walk into any 6th grade classroom and you’ll get hit with the same smell: a pungent mixture of body odor, crayons and peanut butter sandwiches with a little bit of urine thrown in. It’s called the smell of kids. read more

All Entries Education Humor

Intercourse and Horneytown

May 11, 2016

Whether you live in a small town or a large city, where you ultimately plant your feet has a lot to say about who you are. Some people choose to live in places like Wetwang, England because they work there. Others have deep rooted family trees in Looneyville, Minnesota. And what high-powered executive wouldn’t jump at the chance to get transferred to Goosepimple Junction, Virginia? To help you decide where to make your next move, here are a few places you won’t want to miss investigating:

Intercourse, Pennsylvania – With its unusually suggestive name, it’s hard for most people to believe that Intercourse, PA is located in the heart of Amish country. In fact, it was the location of the blockbuster movie, “Witness” starring Harrison Ford. Prior to 1814, it was named Cross Keys because two major highways intersected at its location. In the early days of the village, the word intercourse was commonly used to mean fellowship or social interaction.

Wide Awake, Colorado – One night when a group of miners were sitting around a campfire, they were trying to come up with a good name for their new town. After passing a bottle around late into the night, someone finally said, “Let’s just turn in and talk about it more when we’re wide awake.” “That’s it!” shouted one of the miners. “Let’s call it Wide Awake!” read more

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