I wasn’t born to be a sperm donor. Nor was it my lifelong dream to be a grave digger, dog food tester or phone sex worker – but I’ve done all four. And worse.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had trouble settling on a career. Unlike most of my high school classmates who instantly knew they wanted to be politicians, lawyers or proctologists (which I conveniently lump into the same category), my lot in life has been a never ending search for the meaning of life – and where to clock out at the end of the day. Bouncing from one hollow, low-paying experience to another, my job search has taken me to the far corners of the world looking for anything that held the lure of a good income, an opportunity to make significant contributions to humanity, something gratifying and maybe have a little fun.
The first person to identify the secret to happiness in the workplace was the legendary 16th century career counselor, Giustiniano Colafranceso. He proposed the Lavoro Schifoso Triangle – with earning capacity, job description and geographical location making up the Three Legs of Success. True to his theory, a recent Manpower study reported that the happiest people in the world are male prostitutes, Bingo announcers and crop dusters. Colafranceso went on to claim that you can still be reasonably content by satisfying only one or two – provided they outweigh the drawbacks of the others. It’s easy to see how the equation works: I was ecstatic working as a hydro colonic therapist making $25,000 a year in Lake Geneva, Switzerland. Certainly happier than I was smelling eggs at Pelican Bay or writing predictions for fortune cookies. I was absolutely miserable as a crematory operator for Walmart, but not as much as a canine masseur.