Monthly Archives

April 2016

All Entries Business and Work Humor

Employment is a Full-Time Job

April 18, 2016

I wasn’t born to be a sperm donor. Nor was it my lifelong dream to be a grave digger, dog food tester or phone sex worker – but I’ve done all four. And worse.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had trouble settling on a career. Unlike most of my high school classmates who instantly knew they wanted to be politicians, lawyers or proctologists (which I conveniently lump into the same category), my lot in life has been a never ending search for the meaning of life – and where to clock out at the end of the day. Bouncing from one hollow, low-paying experience to another, my job search has taken me to the far corners of the world looking for anything that held the lure of a good income, an opportunity to make significant contributions to humanity, something gratifying and maybe have a little fun.

The first person to identify the secret to happiness in the workplace was the legendary 16th century career counselor, Giustiniano Colafranceso. He proposed the Lavoro Schifoso Triangle – with earning capacity, job description and geographical location making up the Three Legs of Success. True to his theory, a recent Manpower study reported that the happiest people in the world are male prostitutes, Bingo announcers and crop dusters. Colafranceso went on to claim that you can still be reasonably content by satisfying only one or two – provided they outweigh the drawbacks of the others. It’s easy to see how the equation works: I was ecstatic working as a hydro colonic therapist making $25,000 a year in Lake Geneva, Switzerland. Certainly happier than I was smelling eggs at Pelican Bay or writing predictions for fortune cookies. I was absolutely miserable as a crematory operator for Walmart, but not as much as a canine masseur. read more

All Entries Family History Home Life Humor

Happy Birthday to Me

April 18, 2016

I just celebrated another birthday. Now, before you start applauding, you need to understand that at my age, birthdays aren’t something I relish with any level of enthusiasm. To me, birthdays merely mark the passage of time. The only thing I do to achieve another year on earth is continue breathing in and out and swing my feet out of bed each morning – which is becoming more difficult than it sounds.

Things were simpler before the rise of Christianity. People didn’t know how to calculate the lunar calendar, so they couldn’t keep track of birthdays. Everyone just assumed they were getting older when they couldn’t see their toes any more. Then, Facebook took over the Internet, forcing you to remember when your friends were born. Nevertheless, by the end of my special day this year, I hadn’t heard from a single relative or high school chum. I did, however, get a tweet from my periodontist, an automated call from a roofing company and a festive postcard from my proctologist reminding me it was time for my 5-year colonoscopy. Sort of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. read more

All Entries Entertainment and Show Business Food & Recipes Humor

Sweeping Rule Changes for Eating Competitions

April 15, 2016

New York, New York – The world of competitive eating shocked the sports world yesterday when the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating) announced widespread changes to the sport of professional gurgitation.

“Due to the cutthroat nature of some of our competitors, the IFOCE has been forced to up the ante in all its sanctioned events by adding several new categories,” said George Shea, Chairman of the IFOCE. In an update posted on the Federation’s website, Major League Eating, Shea wrote, “Up until now, natural food products in various forms and methods of preparation were sufficient to challenge professional eaters from around the globe. But with the records falling at a startling rate, we’ve decided to increase the competition by including items, generally not considered food – at least in America.”

What Shea is referring to is the addition of three new gustatory categories: insects & reptiles, animal sweetbreads and non-organic hardware.

The additional categories were added in an attempt to challenge the numerous eating records held for baked beans, butter, cheesecake, beef tongue, hard boiled eggs, hot dogs, buffalo wings, brats, cannoli, catfish, chili cheese fries, corned dogs, crawfish, deep-fried okra, cream filled donuts, fruitcake, garlicky greens, grits, haggis, huevos rancheros, jalapeno peppers, key lime pie, Mars bars, meatballs, sour pickles, reindeer sausage, rocky mountain oysters and spam. “There’s one little lady named Sonya Thomas who ate over 9 pounds of Jambalaya last summer in 10 minutes,” complained Shea. “Who in the heck can compete with that? And, another guy downed 45 conch fritters in less than 6 minutes! I don’t know what a conch fritter is, but he ate a lot of them.” read more

All Entries Appearance Fashion Humor

Shenandoahs, Pixie Cuts and Afrobobs

April 11, 2016

At the end of a haircut the other day, my barber asked, “Would you like me to touch up your eyebrows a bit?” “I don’t know,” I said. I never really thought about it. “Do they need it?” The mere fact that he asked means that they probably did. People don’t usually ask you, “Would you like an Altoid?” unless your breath is already peeling paint off the walls.

There was a time when no one would have asked me about my eyebrows. But, I guess that’s one of the drawbacks of getting older. I also have to trim the inside of my ears, nose, my chest and have my back waxed. Some people have actually become famous from their bushy brows – people like Andy Rooney, Susan Boyle, Peter Gallagher, Sam Waterston, Walter Cronkite, Martin Scorsese and Lt. Worf from Star Trek.

The entire way home, I ruminated over all of the people throughout history who have made fashion statements with their hair. You can bet Adolph Hitler’s barber never suggested growing a handlebar moustache or mutton chops for a change. Nor would Wyatt Earp have been Wyatt Earp if he wore a little, one-inch moustache directly below his nose and his hair slathered across his forehead. Mr. T would never wear his hair like Donald Trump – and vice versa. read more

All Entries Crime and Punishment Humor

Bank Robbery Made Easy

April 11, 2016

It’s almost autumn and I’ve managed to fritter away my entire recreation fund on useless things like rent and utilities. I’ve also gone completely through my savings, 401(k), inheritance and half of my frequent flyer miles. Barring an unexpected windfall, I may have to start selling off body parts and fluids or resort to getting a regular job. Or, robbing a bank.

I’ve thought about robbing a bank before, but it’s not easy to do when you live in a small town. After all, if it was, everybody would be doing it. There are a lot of unique deterrents. Just about everybody in town knows who you are and what you wear (“Oh, you mean the Smith kid… Margaret and Lester’s boy who always wears that dirty baseball cap?”). And, unlike the 1930s, you can’t just drive up to the front of the bank like Bonnie and Clyde – you have to use paid, public parking structures. Driving around and around in circles after you’ve heisted bags of cash sort of defeats the purpose of a quick getaway. read more

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