Monthly Archives

February 2016

All Entries Business and Work Food & Recipes Health Humor

Daring Dining

February 17, 2016

Entertaining out of town guests can be difficult. Especially when it comes to finding original, trendy places to dine. After all, once you’ve had one surf & turf, you’ve had them all. Fortunately, the food and beverage industry is never at a loss for new and unusual places to eat. Here’s a list of my favorite new restaurants. Admittedly, I haven’t been to them all, but they’re on my bucket list.

The Heart Attack Grill – Dallas, Texas and Chandler, Arizona

The Heart Attack Grill makes no apologies for its menu. In fact, every featured item embraces an unhealthy diet. Located in Chandler, Arizona and Dallas, Texas, the Heart Attack Grill includes items like the Single, Double, Triple and Quadruple Bypass Burgers that can have as much as two pounds of beef and have over 8,000 calories. Accompany your burger with an order of Flatliner Fries (cooked in pure lard), a pure Butterfat Shake or a tall glass of full sugar Coca-Cola® and you’ll be well on your way to heart disease. As an added bonus, anyone who finishes a Quadruple Bypass Burger receives a free ride to their car in a wheelchair. read more

All Entries Appearance Health Humor

The Triple Nipple Club

February 11, 2016

I have three nipples. I’m not proud of them, but there they are. Resting a few inches below my right breast, my third nipple (also called a supernumerary nipple, accessory breast, multiple breast syndrome, mammae erraticae or polythelia) was first pointed out to me in the sixth grade when I took my shirt off during a heated kickball match. At the time, it was about the same size as my female classmates’ nipples, so I was a little self-conscious about it. Since then, I’ve just accepted it and been glad it hasn’t grown any larger.

As it turns out, having three nipples is more common than I originally thought. One in 18 men and 50 women has at least one extra nipple. Some famous people, including Mark Wahlberg, Lily Allen, Carrie Underwood, Tilda Swinton and Anne Bolelyn (the wife of King Henry VIII) have them. Extra breasts (with or without lactating nipples) have had minor roles in the movies, The Warrior and the Sorceress, Total Recall, Star Trek V, Earth Girls are Easy, Firecracker, Flesh Gordon 2, Dumb and Dumber and Return of the Jedi. They can show up anywhere on the body and during Tudor times were considered a mark of witchcraft. Urban legend has it that one woman had a third lactating nipple on the bottom of her foot. Fortunately for her, it’s never been considered necessary to wear a bra over a third nipple – just the first two. read more

All Entries Home Life Humor

Booze

February 11, 2016

Buying a case of beer always seemed to be a problem. Leading the sheltered life of a 16-year-old from the San Fernando Valley, I hadn’t yet heard of heroin, uppers, downers, roofies, opium, cocaine, ecstasy, LSD, steroids, crack cocaine, PCP or even pot. I wasn’t even interested in vodka, whiskey or tequila. All I wanted was a case of beer.

The way I usually found it started with putting the word out to all my friends to check with their connections. A couple of days later, I’d discover an anonymous note in the bottom of my school locker from the dealer.

I spent the next three hours following directions that put the Lindbergh kidnapping case to shame. I tossed the beer into the trunk of my car, where it stayed until Friday night, warming up to the temperature of the engine compartment, tasting like a certain kidney byproduct from an equestrian animal. There had to be an easier way to get a cold beer. As it turned out, there was. His name was Stan.

Stan was a huge guy for only being a junior in high school. He was 6 foot 4, weighed 235 and wore size 17 Converse high-tops. Because of his size, he was able to get a job working the counter at his uncle’s liquor store in an affluent part of town. I could buy whatever I wanted from Stan and it was easier than the black market. The down side was that I had to include him in all my activities. But, that turned out to be advantageous. I’d dress Stan in a black suit, tell everyone that he was my bodyguard. read more

All Entries Entertainment and Show Business Humor

Television Shows that Didn’t Make the Fall Line-up

February 11, 2016

It’s that time again. The time when television network executives decide which series will make their fall line-up and those that won’t. Here’s a brief list of what you won’t be seeing on the major television networks this year:

CSI: Proctologist – CSI: Proctologist follows Dr. Sam Sloan, accompanied by hard drinking, divorced New York City Detective, Mitchell Perez through a typical work day. The opening scene shows Dr. Sloan and Detective Perez standing over a bullet-ridden body with a 12-inch Bowie knife protruding from it’s back:

Detective Perez: “So, Doc. What do you think was the cause of death?”
Dr. Sloan: “It’s hard to tell, Mitch. I’ll have to wait until I get the body back to the lab, where I can perform a Fleets enema and a sigmoidoscopy on him. Off hand, I’m thinkin’ it was polyps in his colon or extreme loss of blood due to rectal fissures.”

This Old Souse – After losing his major lawsuit with PBS, filing bankruptcy, divorce and hocking all of his tools to pay his alimony payments, alcoholic and drug abusing Bob Villa somehow manages to stagger around his dilapidated workshop in his stained sweatpants, showing viewers how to perform common home repairs like patching over bullet holes from the party last night, getting difficult blood stains out of carpets and replacing a front door that was run down by a Harley Davidson. read more

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